


Only in My Mind?

by PadawanRyan



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Incest, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-04-02
Updated: 2009-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadawanRyan/pseuds/PadawanRyan
Summary: All signs point to Kevin having committed suicide, but then Joe starts to see Kevin, who doesn't believe he's dead.
Relationships: Joe Jonas/Kevin Jonas
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fic I started and just never finished back in 2009. I only wrote a couple chapters, and I do not intend to finish it. If someone wants to finish it or rewrite it, using the groundwork that's already been laid out, let me know!

“Face it, Joe. He’s gone.”  
  
I wouldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it, yet I knew it was true. He was gone and there was nothing that could bring him back. Part of me anted to yell and scream for him, begging him to come back, but I could see my common sense was working, because I convinced myself it wouldn’t do any good. I’d been sitting in his bed, in his room, for days and nobody had bothered to talk to me for the first few of them.  
  
“He’s…not gone, Nick. He’s coming back. He told me he’d always come back.”  
  
“Joe, he’s not coming back.”  
  
“Fuck, Nick! He’s coming and you know it! He promised he’d never abandon me!”  
  
“Some promises can’t be kept Joe! He shouldn’t have made that promise to begin with if he knew he would kill himself!”  
  
“He didn’t kill himself! He didn’t…”  
  
It had been only a few days ago. We went out to dinner, but Kevin insisted in staying home, since he was apparently not well. I wanted to stay and take care of him, but he claimed he’d be fine. When we had returned two hours later, there was no noise whatsoever in the house. Everyone was worried, and Nick went to go check on Kevin. There was no breach of the security in the house, yet Kevin lay motionless in his room, blood stains all around.  
  
“Joe…there were no signs of a break in…nobody had been here but him.”  
  
“He wouldn’t kill himself, Nick. I know him better than you.”  
  
“You’re trying to tell me you know our brother better than me? We know each other all equally, I case you didn’t notice!”  
  
“No, Nick…you don’t understand…”  
  
I was fully aware that I was crying. Not only was I crying, but choking violently on my sobs. Nick came and sat beside me, concern in his eyes, and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back. It was wrong, he was younger than me so I should be the one comforting him, but we all knew I was more shook up by this. Nobody questioned why, though, considering Kevin and I were close.  
  
“It’s okay, Joe. We’re all upset.”  
  
“I love him, Nick…he can’t be gone…”  
  
“We all love him, Joe. None of us want him to be gone.”  
  
He didn’t understand. Kevin was more to me than just a brother. For the past two years, we had been a couple. It was awkward at first, both admitting our feelings to each other and beginning to secretly date, but after a while, it was all too natural. We had even begun to talk about moving out, and moving in together, only weeks before it all happened. When Nick told us that one day that Kevin wasn’t breathing, I fainted.  
  
“Nick…I need him…”  
  
“You think you need him now, but you’ll move on, I know you will.”  
  
“He’s the only man I’ve ever loved, Nick.”  
  
“Joe, it’s – wait, the only man you’ve ever loved?”  
  
“I gave him my heart. This one here, in my chest…that’s not mine…that’s his.” I then began to twiddle with the ring on my left finger, “This isn’t my ring, Nick…it’s…”  
  
“His? Kevin’s ring?”  
  
All I could do was nod as even more tears ran down my cheeks. It was unbearable to think about. It had only been a couple months earlier that we gave our virginities to each other, and gave our purity rings to one another. When he placed his ring on my finger, he had told me that as long as I wore it, we’d always be close to each other. It made it even more difficult to accept his death.  
  
“Oh, Joe…why didn’t you tell us?”  
  
“We were afraid, Nick…we made sure nobody knew…”  
  
“Now I can understand why you’ve taken this so much worse than all of us.”  
  
“I need him…Nick, I can’t live without him…”  
  
Somehow, Nick managed to soothe me to sleep. After another hour of me crying on his shoulder, I knew I had fallen asleep. I dreamed of nothing, there was no thought my mind could give me throughout the night without causing me to awake crying. There was a slight chill, and I figured Nick had left. Coming slowly to consciousness, I could hear another voice in the room.  
  
_“Joe.”_  
  
I desperately wanted to ignore the voice and just sleep. My family knew I wanted to be alone, especially in the moments where I could actually sleep, so why would they come bug me? Oh yes, because they’re persistent, Nick being the most persistent of all. I kept my eyes closed, and reached for Kevin’s blankets, pulling them over my head. Wind was blowing outside, and the person continued to talk.  
  
“Go away!”  
  
_“Joe. Please talk to me.”_  
  
I couldn’t help it, the voice sounded so sweet, so helpless, and like an angel. Slowly, I removed the blankets from my head, and sat up. I opened my eyes, but it was dark, and everything was at first a blur. I was right, Nick had left. The voice couldn’t be Nick, it didn’t sound like him. As soon as my eyes focused better, I figured I must be dreaming, because the person standing before me couldn’t possibly be there.  
  
“Kevin?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Yes, Joe, it’s me. It’s your Kevin.”  
  
I was unsure what to make of this. I could perhaps have been dreaming, meaning it definitely was Kevin, but only in my head. Another thought was that some sick bastard came in and pretended to be the love of my life to fool with my head. There was another option, though. Maybe Kevin wasn’t dead? Or maybe I was just insane, and that option seemed the most likely.  
  
“Kev? Aren’t you…aren’t you…dead?”  
  
“I’m dead? Joe, this is no time to be playing jokes.”  
  
“I’m not, Kev! I…I saw your body! There was blood…they told us you were already gone…”  
  
“I don’t understand. If I’m dead, how am I here?”  
  
“How did you get here?”  
  
“I just walked in the door. I didn’t expect to see you here, but it’s a pleasant surprise.”  
  
He began moving closer then, and I wasn’t sure what to think. I wanted to jump at him, hug him, kiss him, and scream to the world how much I loved that he wasn’t dead. Could it really be my Kevin? If it was someone else, I’d notice, because he wouldn’t have my ring, but sure enough, as he sat on the bed, I saw the cross of my ring. It was my Kevin, it had to be my Kevin, it couldn’t be anyone else.  
  
“I missed you, Joey.”  
  
Tears fell as he called me that, and I choked out, “I missed you too, Kev.”  
  
Kevin held his arms open for me then, and I instantly jumped into them. He held me as I cried, but there was a smile on both our faces. After a couple minutes of happy tears, I lifted my head to look him in the eye. Within seconds, he closed the space between us, and my lips met him in joy and hunger. The kiss became passionate, but eventually the both of us needed to breath, so we pulled away.  
  
“I missed that,” I told him.  
  
“You know I’d never leave you, baby.”  
  
“You mean that?”  
  
“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Joey. No matter what, I will always be with you.”  
  
Very content with his answer, I then leaned into him, his arms still around me. Kevin then positioned himself to sit against the pillow, but still held me. The two of us slowly dozed off, and I had never felt happier than I did in that one moment. Kevin wasn’t dead! Perhaps his death was all some terrible dream that wouldn’t end. Maybe there was nothing to be upset about anymore.  
  
 _“Joe?”_  
  
Waking from my sleep, I felt something wrong, The air was cold again, and I didn’t feel the security I had throughout the night. The voice in the room didn’t seem right. Opening my eyes, I noticed that I was alone in Kevin’s bed. Looking up, I saw Nick’s head poking through the doorway. He seemed a little nervous, and there was hurt in his eyes. Where did Kevin go?  
  
“You awake, Joe?”  
  
“Where did Kevin go?”  
  
“Joe, what are you talking about? You know Kevin’s…gone.”  
  
“No, Nick! He was here last night!”  
  
“He hasn’t been here, he can’t be. You know that. You were probably dreaming.”  
  
“It wasn’t a dream! He was here, he was with me…I know he was…”  
  
What was going on? I was pretty sure it wasn’t a dream. Even in my dreams, I don’t feel the warmth that I felt in his arms that night. It was ridiculous for me to believe otherwise. It was my Kevin, I could tell it was my Kevin, but why couldn’t Nick understand it? He approached he bed slowly, looking somewhat frightened, and I could tell he was struggling with what to say to me.  
  
“Joe…Kevin’s dead. He’s not here.”  
  
“He was here, damnit! He hugged me, we kissed…I fell asleep in his arms…”  
  
“You fell asleep in my arms, Joe.”  
  
“No, after that! I woke up in the middle of the night…and he was in the room…”  
  
Nick looked beyond frightened, then. He looked absolutely scared to death, as if everything I was saying was coming from the mouth of a lunatic who was trying to kill him. What the Hell? Why was he still insisting that Kevin was dead? Wouldn’t someone notice Kevin leaving his room, leaving the house? I scrambled off the bed, and dashed past Nick out the door, running downstairs to our music room.  
  
“He’s not here, Joe.”  
  
I hadn’t realized Nick followed me. The music room was where Kevin spent most of his time if he wasn’t with me, I was sure he had to be there. Nick put a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around to face him. I was speechless, and couldn’t form a sentence, but there was no mistaking the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. Other than to use the toilet, it had been the first time I left Kevin’s room since it happened.  
  
“I swear, Nick…he was here…”  
  
“You’re going through post-traumatic hallucinations. It’s okay, Joe.”  
  
“You think I’m crazy.”  
  
“No, I don’t. I think that you’re devastated from losing a loved one.”  
  
“I haven’t lost him! He told me last night…no matter what, he’d always be with me…”  
  
“And in spirit, he always will be.”  
  
It was all too much to take in. He seemed so real when he was with me, so where was he? Why couldn’t people accept that he was alive? I figured Nick was right, I must have been hallucinating. Considering it was the first time I left his room, Nick managed to convince me to come and get a bite to eat, anything so I wouldn’t waste away. I didn’t care, I wanted to be with Kevin, but when I grumbled this to Nick, he shook his head.  
  
“No, Joe. Kevin wouldn’t want that. He would want you to move on and be happy.”  
  
“I don’t think I can, Nick.”


End file.
